Banned Items
by Kittythekatty
Summary: Counselor Keris and Spock have compiled a list of items that should either be banned from the Enterprise or at least requires supervision. Said items have caused incidents that aren't supposed to happen aboard star-ships. And when the rest of the Senior crew hears of the list...it gets interesting.
1. Keris

**A/N: This is sort of a side story featuring Lieutenant Keris as the Counselor of the Enterprise. It also is based on a list  
**

**I wrote for my friends. I hope you all enjoy it and feel free to send requests and opinions.  
**

Banned Items

Being Counselor of the Enterprise was pretty hard. It also offered some useful knowledge, like how to NOT anger your CMO. Keris dealt with many strange things.

Of all the incidents there ever were, there were many strange and random, objects involved. Keris decided to compie a list of items that should be banned or at least supervised. Perhaps this list will be of use to the future crews of the Enterprise.

* * *

Objects that are dangerous and should be banned when used by the crew of the Enterprise

1. Silly String

2. That pulp stuff you find in the bottom of orange juice cartons (blech)

3. Sulu's fencing foils (Unless you are Hikaru Sulu or have permission from Hikaru Sulu)

4. Excessive amounts of caffeine

5. Someone's else's underwear.

6. Spock's Vulcan lyre (It belongs to Spock unless you asked and he SAID yes)

7. Photo editing software

8. Condiments

9. Chemical elixirs that you created in the science labs unbeknownst to any of the AUTHORIZED science personnel

10. Excessive amounts of alcohol

11. Raw eggs (unless you are baking)

12. FIRE (Unless it is in the Science labs and even then, beware)

13. Excessive amounts of sugar

13a. Powdered

13b. Brown

13c. Turbinado

14. Tribbles

14a. fur

14b. blankets

14c. slippers (?)

15. Hyposprays (Unless you are a nurse or Dr. McCoy

16. Glitter

16a. Spray

16b. Body

16c. Glue

17. Apple scented whatever (ahem...Jim)

18. Potato Cannon

19. Burrito cannon

20. *insert object of choice here* cannon

21. C-4 (self-explanatory)

22. Toilet plungers

23. Spray paint

24. Salt water taffy

25. Cotton Balls

26. GASOLINE (need I explain)

27. TNT (again no explanation needed)

28. Permanent Markers (Unless supervised or for an art project that doesn't involve a face)

29. Daggers

30. Knives (unless your name is Keris ) (and they are KITCHEN knives)

31. Chocolate (only if given to Spock)

32. Sand

33. Foam mattress covers

34. Toilet paper outside of the bathrooms

35. Aquatic themed pillows

36. Maple syrup

37. Butter

38. Sporks

39. Potato Salad made from potatoes used in the #18

40. Scented candles

* * *

Keris sighed. There were so many items, but she could not name all of them by herself. Perhaps she would enlist the help of fellow officers

**A/n: And that means please send suggestions through Reviews or a PM**


	2. Spock

**A/n: Another chapter...Its fun to write and I will gladly accept prompts, suggestions, items, reviews, cookies...**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except Keris, and OC Some of the items were inspired by Saphura's list of rules (TOS)  
**

* * *

Spock had been given a fascinating and rather unusual request from Counselor Keris. She had asked him to compile a list of items that were linked **very** illogical and interesting incidents. There were many items and so Spock had begun typing, picking up where Keris last left off.

* * *

*41. Leaf blowers

*42. Spam

42a. The archaic Terran canned meat substitute

42b. The unnecessary mail

43. Lt. Cmdr Scott's kilt

44. Lt. Cmdr Scott's bagpipes

45. Romulan ale (This beverage is illegal)

*46. Feather pillows

*47. Someone else's brain (including myself)

*48. Mustard packets (Spock was unsure why packets of a Terran condiment should be banned, but Lt. Keris urged him to include Mustard packets)

49. Lightsaber prototypes

50. A Furby of any size, shape, color, and/or language

*51. Burrito stands (No matter how palatable the burritos are)

52. "Gummy" candies

53. Spray-able cheese

54. Blue police call boxes

55. Coffee shops

56. Chocolate covered espresso beans

57. Life sized chocolate sculptures

58. Abnormally large shish-kabobs

59. Archaic "Squinkies"

60. Cookie shurikens

61. Fake mustaches

62. Lampshades that have been turned into hats

63. Self created languages

64. Fake languages (i.e. Meap, Na'vi)

65. Mass produced alarm clocks

66. Unregistered copies of the Twilight Saga

67. Music by the Terran artist Rebecca Black

68. Bubble gum bombs

69. Plastic bags large enough to contain a person (?)

70. Dr. McCoy fan clubs

71. Captain Kirk fan clubs

72. Spock fan clubs (Spock needed to speak with Keris why he had a fan club(s)

73. 6 foot tall cheese fountains

74. Remote controlled star ships

75. Ant farms (that are not part of an authorized study)

76. Minions

77. Baby pianos

78. Melted candle wax

79. Fake Starbook accounts

80. Mythical metal alloys (Celestial bronze, stygian iron, Vibranium, Adamantium)

* * *

Spock decided to stop writing and decided to schedule an appointment to discuss the mental health of the Enterprise

as the crew had only been in space for about a week. Perhaps more items will be added to the list

**A/n: Reviews are suggested and prompts are accepted, though make sure they are appropriate**

**All items marked with an asterisk were given to me by sam2934**


	3. Jim

**A/n: Some of the items were inspired by Mythbusters and Saphura's list located in TOS. I take request in the form of Review or PM**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except Keris, my OC  
**

* * *

Jim had noticed something weird. Not the usual Enterprise runs into a planet inhabited by androids weird, but your Vulcan first officer and Counselor are

whispering and spending more time together. Apparently he wasn't the only one as there was a gossip train (and a few betting pools) about Spock and Lt. Keris's

not-so-secret relationship. Personally he thought it could work out. Opposites attract and the two had opposite personalities. There was stoic, logical, cold Spock and

warm, cheery, friendly Keris. He had decided to confront the two about what was going on.

It had turned out, the two were making a list. After much blushing (red and green), and stammering and many statements of "NO!", the two confirmed they were **not** dating. Instead, they had been passing information about a list many times. The two decided to let Jim in on the list. Jim could list many items and had agreed to write some of the list. He still thought that Keris and Spock would make a great couple, of course if her said that out loud; he could be slapped or Vulcan nerve pinched.

* * *

*81. Large tubs of Cool whip

82. **Unauthorized** LAN parties (If you invited the captain,** then** the party would be authorized)

83. Pyrotechnic displays

84. Phaser quick draw competitions.

*85. Fake Vulcan ears

*86. Fake Vulcan eyebrows

*87. Abnormal amounts of Marbles

88. Gum sculptures

89. Lard

90. Homework help hotlines (?)

91 "Kiss me I'm Irish" T-shirts

**91a**. Mugs

**91b**. Hats

**91c**. Sweaters

**91d**. You get the idea

*92. More than two cans of aerosol hairspray

*93. Sorbet outside of Mess Hall

94. One Direction posters

**94a**. Fan clubs

**94b**. T-shirts

**94c.** Debates

**94d.** Graffiti

95. Twilight merchandise

96. Laughing gas

*97. Concentrated nail polish fumes (How do you do that?"

98. Thermite

99. Canned creamed corn

100. Noodles outside of Mess Hall

100a. Unauthorized plastic noodles

101. Whoopee cushions

102. Taylor Lautner posters

*103. Any device capable of launching any projectiles

104. Spray paint

105. Adult Diapers (?!)

106. Shaving cream pies

107. Someone else's shoes

*108. Legos (That are not in your quarters)

109. Guitar solos at 0200 hours

110. Twilight audio books

111. Stolen chocolate cake (all chocolate cakes belong to the Captain)

112. The song "This is the Song That Never Ends"

113. Or "I Know a Song That Gets on Everybody's Nerves"

114. Star Trekkin' music videos

115. Flash mobs

116. Justin Bieber music videos

117. "Get out of the Brig free" cards

118. Ship wide games of "Monopoly"

119. Leather pants

120. Iron Man suit prototypes (Cool, until it blows up)

* * *

Jim decided that was enough for now. Then he realized he had to stop the gossip train and betting pools. Oh well, at least he made 250 credits.

**A/n: 92 was suggested by callandra, 81,85,86,86,108 were requested by Satin Ragdoll while 93,97,103 were thought of by sam2934  
**

**Items,ideas,prompts are always welcome, though keep them appropriate. I will take them in the form of PM or Reviews(Which are appreciated)  
**


	4. Bones

**A/n: I'm back! I have been busy with schoolwork and other stuff... I will gladly take prompts, suggestions, and ideas through review or PM. Review please!**

* * *

Bones was having a pretty slow week. Aside from treating rug burns (only the crew of the Enterprise could get rug burns without a single rug) and filling out incident forms, there was really nothing to do. that is, until Jim showed him a list. Keris had also asked him to write some, but Bones managed to give a lame excuse. (I've been busy treating rug burns) But after much pleading and a teensy bit of blackmail, McCoy began to write.

* * *

*121. Federation scout cookies (How do you get those when we've been in space for 2 weeks and can I get some?)

*122. Deltan pheromones

*123. Cutlasses

*124. Your own alerts

**124a**. Fuchsia Alert

**124b.** Cerulean alert

**124c.** Kiss-your-butt-goodbye alert

125. Throwing knives

126. Kick-me signs

127. Pictures of Spock wearing a tutu (uhhhhmmm...)

128. Liquid Nitrogen

129. Archaic Mac computers

130. PC's

131. Mac vs. PC disputes

132. Meatball bazooka

133. Helium tanks

134. Polywater

*135. Games of Spin the Bottle

136. Cloning experiment (your clone cannot do your shift)

137. Permanent ink

138. Fountain pens

139. Lint

140. Raves

141. Fashion shows

142. Ice skating contests (I'm sorry Pavel)

143. Staple guns

144. Nail guns

145. Swimsuit models

146. Self created holidays

147. Maraschino cherries

148. Stay puft marshmallow man costumes

149. Ice machines

150. Roller derbies

151. My Little Pony conventions

152. Boxing matches

153. Spears

154. Lances

155. Angel statues (Seriously, they are starting to creep me out)

*156. Portal gun prototypes

157. Archaic swords

158. "Helmet of the month" club

159. 10 second dance parties

160. Self designed uniforms (no matter how stylish they are)

* * *

Bones snickered at some of the items he wrote. It was surprising that some of the items were on the list. Self designed uniforms? Unbeleivable. Some people complained that they weren't flattering, but McCoy didn't think they would go that far. He would have to speak with Keris, Jim, and the Hobgoblin.

* * *

**A/n: That means send in ideas, requests, prompts, soup, etc... Reviews or a PM are greatly appreciated.**

**#'s 121-124 were sent in by daniandan-TehWolfyBlake**

**# 135 was suggested by Jasmin Kenobi**

**Remember, the items you send should be kid friendly, K+ rating guys!**


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